confusion...

...is nothing new to me. it is, however, depressing that it has chosen to visit me now that i am emotionally vulnerable.

where do i go from here?
why am i see-sawing from being happy to being sad to being lonely to being happy again?
why do i miss people i should not be missing?
why am i not missing the people i should be missing?
why? why? why?

jolaz, one humid afternoon

jolaz is a colleague...and soon to be boss. he is single. one afternoon, on the way back to the office after attending a boring 4-hour meeting on jpepa that almost left me wilted, we engaged in one of the most intellectually-stimulating (not!) conversations in history.

me: (bored) you know, nolet and i often meet on weekends at sm. would you like to join us sometimes?

jolaz: (sounding even more bored) what do you do?

me: (looking at the traffic jam on edsa) this and that. mostly, we talk.

jolaz: (trying to sound curious) about what?

me: life in general. sometimes we dwell on why we're still single now.

jolaz: (laughs)

me: (trying to sound serious) look, we know we're not very ugly, we're also not very stupid, we have good careers, we are nice...why don't we have a boyfriend?

jolaz: (trying his darnest not to choke) maybe both of you are intimidating.

me: (smiling) us, intimidating? we're nice. does nolet intimidate you?

jolaz: (nervous laughter) no, no, no...well...maybe you should be more accomodating.

me: (insistent) we are.

jolaz: (sounding like he's about to give up) then be more encouraging. don't block attempts of a guy to befriend you.

me: (pouting) but what if we don't like him...in a romantic sort of way?

jolaz: still, be friendly.

me: we are...but it's just weird when some friends get romantic and we don't picture them in that sense.

jolaz: (sounding like he really, really gave up on us already) well, you'll meet your respective partners in time.

me: (shrugging) okay. maybe, we'll invite you one of these weekends to join us.

jolaz: (silent)

at this point, we already reached the office so jolaz was able to thankfully unhinge himself from me and my crazy questions.

nolet and some constellation

funny thing happened this morning when i opened my yahoo mail box.

nolet sent me a copy of the IRRI program which sec. yap shall be following when he goes to japan next week. i was expecting her to send the document because i've been pestering her about it the whole weekend.

but the email did not end there.

nolet just had to write "i heard i will still see a heavenly body when i look into your eyes." funny. for months now, we have been talking about crushes and falling in love, as if we were teenagers. every time we get together (on weekends usually), we dissect every angle of our (non-existent) lovelife.

lately, i have been the topic of these uneventful trysts in sm north, and it's all because she knows somebody is making me smile. we call him "heavenly body." it's actually a pseudonym, to make everything cute and interesting. it started when nolet pointed out that i've been staring into empty space for several days now. i quipped "it's because i see a heavenly body out there." we then got into fits of laughter and giggles. since then, we would talk about this "heavenly body," and still wonder why we don't have boyfriends.

in the end, we decide that it's really not that nobody notices us because we know at least a couple of guys who would love to date us. the reason for our being unattached really is we haven't found somebody we like enough to encourage further romantic advances from.

enough said.

he

he is funny...he makes me laugh.
he is nice...he consults with me.
he is patient...he understands.
he is cute...i like his eyes.
he is intelligent...i love listening to him.
he is disciplined...his body is toned.
he is wonderful...i miss him when we are not together.

he is...who he is.

for ariel...

when you asked me "how's mama," my heart sank. it was easier to lie so i told you she was okay. but she's not okay, ariel. you know she's very old and she's sickly. and she needs you badly.

i cannot forget how her face lit up when she saw us alighting from the car. she seemed so genuinely happy we found time to visit her. why couldn't you?

i understand you have issues to settle with your older sister, but please swallow your pride and hold your mother's hand once more.

at one point your mom and i were left alone by the brood. she took me aside and whispered, "ariel has not visited lately because joy is here and they are not on speaking terms." i almost cried, but i didn't. i had to reassure her. "don't worry, lola, ariel is visiting soon." it hurt me to know that you're not. i know that as long as your sister is there, you're not going to visit. through the years it has become sort of a habit to lie for you, but this time it broke my heart.

i told you i danced in your kitchen. i couldn't help it. i always related music to your family and when we were there, music filled the air. clyde and tita joy and i laughed so much. there was something missing, however -- you.

i know you miss them too. you told me so. then again, why don't you do something more than miss them? why don't you haul your ass off to las pinas? since we're at it already, why don't you stretch a little further and make peace with tita joy? your mama would love that. i would too.

i told you yesterday i missed the old you. i do. i miss the happy ariel i used to know. the years have made you hard and cynical. i know i am one of the very few people you trust, and i do understand what you're going through right now. but the world will not stop turning just because life is not so kind to you right now.

ariel, please open your heart once more to your family before it becomes too late. that's all i'll ever ask of you right now.

am i in love?

lately, my friends have been asking me this question. my colleagues in the office teasingly remark about the sparkle in my eyes, the bright smile on my lips and the light gait i have lately adapted whenever i enter the room.

i know i dress up more properly now and i put on a little make-up, but i think what annoys them most goes beyond the physical. these days i am so easy to talk to. i don't complain anymore...not even if i am made to stay in the office long after everybody has gone home. i have become more forgiving of those who have done me wrong. in other words, i have become a better person.

am i in love?

i don't think so, but i am inspired. my career is shaping up. i have my good friends on my side. my family remains healthy. a huge block from the past has been lifted off my shoulder. the future looks promising. most of all, somebody is making me smile...like sunshiny smile!

i have always been career-driven. when i was young, i envisioned myself as a successful journalist. i wanted to be fielded in war zones, where the stories were more exciting. along the way, however, i was sidetracked. nevertheless, i am happy where i am now. i know that whatever path my career will take, i shall give it my best shot.

my family and friends have always been my pillar of strength. for all my inanity, they let me be. at this point, i think all their patience with me is paying off. i am a better person because they gave me more than enough space to play, dream, cry and laugh.

sure, somebody is making me happy right now. this is nothing new. in spite of my being single, there is always somebody who inspires me. the past few weeks have literally been filled with happiness, i am so scared it may not last. but instead of worrying, i have decided to savor every moment. so that when this ends -- if it ever does coz they usually do -- i have another bagful of beautiful memories i can recall over and over again.

am i in love?

i know i am happy that i am allowed to touch the roses, and that somebody is making sure they have no thorns. just yet.

weekend musings...

How do you deal with roller-coaster emotions? When you feel happy and yet…you shouldn’t. How do you deal with strange sensations when you are reminded of something…or someone, for that matter?

Ahhh, i wonder...
******************************
How will I write when I do not know where to start? I have been staring at the computer screen for the longest time now and I can't seem to translate my thoughts into words properly. There's just so much to write about I can't seem to find the beginning...and the end seems so unclear.

I so hate it when I reach this point.
******************************
Will I rearrange my life if I could? Maybe. There are things in my past that still have the power to hurt me. Then again, these are the ones that harnessed my inner strength through the years.

Perhaps regrets have no space in my life.
******************************
Why am I happy? Well, the question really is: why do I find the need to rationalize my happiness? Why can't I just be? If I can only hold it and hug it, I think I'd be okay.

Then again, maybe I am scared that my happiness -- as it always has been -- will be too fleeting.

さよなら大好きな人

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Mada daisuki na hito まだ大好きな人

Kuyashii yo totemo くやしいよとても
Kanashii yo totemo 悲しいよとても
Mou kaette konai もうかえってこない
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Nani mo kamo wasurerarenai 何もかも忘れられない
Nani mo kamo suteru kirenai 何もかも捨てきれない
Konna jibun ga mijimete こんな自分がみじめで
Yowakute kawaisou de daikirai 弱くてかわいそうで大きらい

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Nakanai yo ima wa 泣かないよ今は
Nakanai de ima wa 泣かないで今は
Kokoro hanareteiku 心はなれていく
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Saigo da to ii kikasete 最後だと言いきかせて
Saigo made ii kikasete 最後まで言いきかせて
Namida yo tomare 涙よ止まれ
Saigo ni egao o さいごに笑顔を
Oboete okutame 覚えておくため

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Zutto zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

working hard, missing somebody, loving the beach, etc...

i miss somebody, is this my fault? enough said. people say i keep smiling to myself and staring into empty space. like a lovestruck teener. this is not flattering but i don't care. i am just happy...happy like i notice the sky is blue and the leaves are green....happy like i want to dance and twirl and swirl...happy like i need to run and feel the wind on my face...happy that i long to wish every one i meet a wonderful day! really, now, i haven't been this happy since...i can't remember when anymore.

****************
i am a hard-worker. i love working though sometimes i get agitated when there are so many deadlines to meet. i get bored when there's no work to be done. am i weird? i don't think so. it's just harder for me to pass time when there's nothing to do.

****************
i want to go to the beach. i want to swim. i want to smell the breeze coming from the sea. i want to feel the water lapping at my body. i need a vacation. now.

Stopping by the Woods One Snowy Evening

by: Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of the easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

***my recent favorite among robert frost's work