questions and answers

so where can i find answers to the several questions that have been haunting me for several days now? i can't seem to extract my thoughts from where they are. i want to, but something bigger is blocking their way. could it be that subconsciously i don't really want them to come out in the open. i am happy with the way things are; why rock the boat?

then again, i can't seem to see my future clearly with all these questions blocking my view. aarrghhh!!!

do i or i don't?

have you ever reached that point when love becomes a necessity? for example, i am exclusively seeing this person, i like him...but after several months of being together, i still can't get myself to tell him that i love him. and this is all because...well...i don't. i mean, i've been in love several times before and i am supposed to know how it feels to be in love. this time though, it's kind of different. while i used to express how i feel so easily, write about it all the time, and even dream of it day and night, i seem to lack all three this time.

is it time to panic? maybe. but i am restraining myself. maybe i've just gotten older and wiser. as if love did too.

i've been thinking a lot about this relationship lately. this is not my typical 'relationship.' i like being with him, we laugh a lot, we eat a lot...but i also feel like i need to be away from him from time to time. i don't know if this is healthy. all i know is that we treat each other better after taking sometime off from each other. a whole lot better, if i may say.

i don't know if this is something to build a sturdy relationship on, but i do hope i get to have my answer soon. time is running out on me. i have a self-imposed deadline.

ahhh...

soulmates

do i believe in soulmates? honestly, i do not know. i used to laugh at my former boss for being so into any 'new age' stuff like crystals, alternative healing, regression analysis, and other stuff that go against my roman catholic upbringing.

but how can you explain one person's special connection with another human being? joju and mine, for example. since we were kids, joju and i have already shared this special bond. initially, i thought it's just because we lived almost next-door to each other. we fell in and out of love for a while, moved on with our respective lives...and found other loves. yet, there will always be this tie that binds us together. i know he finds this amazing too. every time i have a problem, he'll suddenly appear from out of the blue to check on me. every time i dream of him, my biggest fear is something bad has happened to him.

we connect to each other in ways that make us feel peaceful and happy. every time we are together, it's as if we never parted at all...and i am talking here of years without seeing each other.

i am no longer in love with joju and i am sure he is no longer in love with me. we're way past the insecurity and jealousy that go with being in a state of passion. yet, i feel we are closer than ever. of course, we're very careful about treading on this volatile ground as there are people we could hurt in the process. nevertheless, the connection is blatantly there for all to see. we don't -- can't, even if our life depended on it -- deny this.

perhaps, if the concept of soulmates is true, we are each other's. i only know that we will always be there for each other till the end of time. or as has been said between the two of us, "in the next lifetime."

trying harder

i swear i have tried hard enough. i conditioned myself, created a semi-permanent environment, slaved myself to perfection...even reversed my priorities. but it just is not happening. WHY THE HECK AM I NOT YET IN LOVE?

i am on the verge of begging...begging the guy i am dating to try his best to make me fall in love with him. you know, i wish he would be sweeter than he already is, more thoughtful than he has ever been, and more brilliant than he's capable of being. then again, that would be unfair for him because the guy is just being himself. we met and became friends the way he is, so i don't think there's something wrong with him.

this brings me to the one suspicion that i have been trying to avoid the past few months: there is something wrong with me. sure, i like him...i am even fond of him. but so am i with his pet fish. i laugh at his jokes, but then i am truly shallow in this department. the way his mind works is like a maze, something that would have normally challenged me. i was, actually. initially. but now, everything has become pretty routinary i am getting bored. he is good-looking (and he knows this perfectly well) but when have i become attracted to good looks? it's just purely coincidental that all -- and i mean ALL -- of my former boyfriends were women/gay magnets, so a pretty face is not much of a plus-factor when it comes to my falling in love.

AND SO, what do i need to fall in love again? better yet, will i ever fall in love again? i want to. i need to. emotions are what feed my soul. i cannot write when everything is just on a plateau. i need to ride a roller-coaster of emotions to be able to write the way i used to. these past few weeks i even tried so hard to bank on the green-eyed monster to pump up my adrenalin but it still did not work. my brain probably recognizes the fact that i am not jealous enough , or well...that i am just making it up to fool myself. whatever. i've also tried picking up a fight, to no avail. heck, i am so frustrated. as in, F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!!!

i know that joju (my first love and bestfriend-when-all-else-has-gone-away) once told me i should not expect the next love to be the same as the previous one. i accept this now, but i want the same intensity...the same mind-boggling, insomnia-inducing, hunger-encouraging kind of passion. i cannot accept something within the realm of the ordinary. having experienced the most wonderful joy and the most painful shit of love, i cannot be content with the halfway and just-about.

fast-forward to now. under normal circumstances, it's easy to fall in love where i am. a friend asked me last night. "are you stopping yourself from falling?" i wish i were. it would be easier to understand my predicament. "sis, when have i ever been careful when it comes to love? for me, it has always been a free fall and i enjoy it because it makes me feel alive," i retorted. then i heard silence on the other line; a sigh followed. "yes, i know. you've always been the kind to challenge fate and squeeze all the emotions within you dry even it means getting hurt in the end."

lately, my facebook friends have been telling me to use my heart instead of my head so i could finally be happy. (i wonder why the heck they think i am unhappy. lol.) i wanted to tell them that since birth i never used my head unless it involved the academe, but i find no reason to defend my choices in life.

so now, i'll just continue to enslave myself to this guy i am dating, hoping that one day soon i'll finally feel a stirring of familiar emotions that will catapult me to where i was when i was in love with joju, ariel and gary...and even when i was just beside SD.

enough said.

election day and erwin

we've been asked to come earlier than the schedule of the canvassing of votes so i found myself staring at the blank screen of my computer trying to figure out how to use four hours of inactivity wisely. i wanted to sleep because for the last few days i have been sleep-deprived (this means less than 8 hours in dreamland) but i couldn't -- not when i am in office attire and not when there's no bed in sight.

this is one of those days when i wonder what the heck i am doing in japan. yet, what is there to complain about? i am luckier than most because i am quite far detached from the political chaos in manila. i have my own freedom here. i get to travel and i meet a lot of people. complaining about my posting in tokyo is tantamount to ingratitude. i don't want to be ungrateful. i have always found the time and effort to thank the universe for everything that has happened to me.

which brings me down to crossing paths with erwin, a friend i met in the course of my work. i've been exposing erwin to my friends...albeit only virtually. his deceptive good looks prod people to tell me to go easy on him. go easy? he's not my boyfriend, for god's sake....and even if he is, i wish people will believe that he's not a 'harmless' as he looks. in fact, erwin is as fierce as i am. he can be as hardheaded as a mule. nobody can make him do things he does not want to do. so asking me to go easy on him is actually futile. the person is a walking personification of stubborness.

and so my life in tokyo is not really uneventful. it's actually a balance of both the mundane and the exciting. it's just that during times like this, i really favor curling up under the warmth of a fluffy blanket while reading my favorite book.

confusion...

...is nothing new to me. it is, however, depressing that it has chosen to visit me now that i am emotionally vulnerable.

where do i go from here?
why am i see-sawing from being happy to being sad to being lonely to being happy again?
why do i miss people i should not be missing?
why am i not missing the people i should be missing?
why? why? why?

jolaz, one humid afternoon

jolaz is a colleague...and soon to be boss. he is single. one afternoon, on the way back to the office after attending a boring 4-hour meeting on jpepa that almost left me wilted, we engaged in one of the most intellectually-stimulating (not!) conversations in history.

me: (bored) you know, nolet and i often meet on weekends at sm. would you like to join us sometimes?

jolaz: (sounding even more bored) what do you do?

me: (looking at the traffic jam on edsa) this and that. mostly, we talk.

jolaz: (trying to sound curious) about what?

me: life in general. sometimes we dwell on why we're still single now.

jolaz: (laughs)

me: (trying to sound serious) look, we know we're not very ugly, we're also not very stupid, we have good careers, we are nice...why don't we have a boyfriend?

jolaz: (trying his darnest not to choke) maybe both of you are intimidating.

me: (smiling) us, intimidating? we're nice. does nolet intimidate you?

jolaz: (nervous laughter) no, no, no...well...maybe you should be more accomodating.

me: (insistent) we are.

jolaz: (sounding like he's about to give up) then be more encouraging. don't block attempts of a guy to befriend you.

me: (pouting) but what if we don't like him...in a romantic sort of way?

jolaz: still, be friendly.

me: we are...but it's just weird when some friends get romantic and we don't picture them in that sense.

jolaz: (sounding like he really, really gave up on us already) well, you'll meet your respective partners in time.

me: (shrugging) okay. maybe, we'll invite you one of these weekends to join us.

jolaz: (silent)

at this point, we already reached the office so jolaz was able to thankfully unhinge himself from me and my crazy questions.

nolet and some constellation

funny thing happened this morning when i opened my yahoo mail box.

nolet sent me a copy of the IRRI program which sec. yap shall be following when he goes to japan next week. i was expecting her to send the document because i've been pestering her about it the whole weekend.

but the email did not end there.

nolet just had to write "i heard i will still see a heavenly body when i look into your eyes." funny. for months now, we have been talking about crushes and falling in love, as if we were teenagers. every time we get together (on weekends usually), we dissect every angle of our (non-existent) lovelife.

lately, i have been the topic of these uneventful trysts in sm north, and it's all because she knows somebody is making me smile. we call him "heavenly body." it's actually a pseudonym, to make everything cute and interesting. it started when nolet pointed out that i've been staring into empty space for several days now. i quipped "it's because i see a heavenly body out there." we then got into fits of laughter and giggles. since then, we would talk about this "heavenly body," and still wonder why we don't have boyfriends.

in the end, we decide that it's really not that nobody notices us because we know at least a couple of guys who would love to date us. the reason for our being unattached really is we haven't found somebody we like enough to encourage further romantic advances from.

enough said.