a letter

yesterday i got a message from a cousin telling me you are where i am. i felt my heart skip a beat. my palms were suddenly clammy. my head throbbed. funny that even after all these years, your presence still unnerves me. i wondered: where, exactly, are you?

lately, i've been thinking a lot about you. i don't know why. then again, i've often thought a lot about you all these years. these moments would burst unannounced in the middle of a busy day or a long, lonely night. but most especially, they would linger at dawn when i could not sleep.

did i really love you this much? did i ever think you would define my life? did i ever, for a moment, realize how much you meant -- mean -- to me? i don't know. i was young. i was reckless.

whenever our friends ask me if we have seen each other after we drifted apart, i always say "yes" because that's the physical truth. how many times have we encountered each other since then? a lot, right?

yet, deep inside i know that we still have to "meet." perhaps, we were already given so many chances to do that, but between the two of us, nobody dared to sweep the cobwebs that separate us from one another. i know i am scared. i do not know if i am already prepared to face what we lost. i don't even know how to look at you in the eye and honestly say that i am over you. because, in truth, i am not sure...and i cannot lie. not to you.

so many years have passed, we've moved on. i am happy. barry manilow sang it aptly: "...Even now, when I have come so far... I wonder where you are...I wonder why it’s still so hard without you. Even now, when I come shinin’ through...I swear I think of you. And how I wish you knew...Even now, when I never hear your name and the world has changed so much since you’ve been gone..." corny, right? i am sure you'll be the first to laugh at me if you read this.

anyway, this letter is written to let you know that in spite of all that transpired between us -- the good and the bad -- you are always remembered with so much fondness. so just hang in there -- i know you have a lot of problems now -- do your best and god will help you do the rest.

happy birthday.

bouncing back

amid all the havoc school work has brought into my life lately, i realized how lucky i have been. lucky in the sense that after all the obstacles i've met in my life, i am still alive and kicking, so to speak.

in fact, i noticed that the harder i fell, the higher i bounced back. this does bring smile to my lips. yet again, this makes me thankful for having been blessed with a fruitful life.

my growing up years were not without trials but i survived them all. there were tears, fears, blood and anger along the way but i overcame them. it was like joining an obstacle race where i came out soiled and tired but triumphant.

the years have been good to me, indeed. if i have to check on my personal history, i am sure it would be dotted with so many laughters. in spite of the pain i've encountered, i have always tried to look at the brighter things in life.

when i was down in the pit, i would look up to the sky...knowing that my predicament was temporary and i would be able to climb back again. it has always been like that.

my closest friends could only marvel at my survival instincts. i just take it as simply part of me. i never dwell so much on my pains. it's not that i ignore them. no! truth to tell, there have been instances when failures would haunt me for years. but they never prevented me from pursuing other goals...from seeking happiness...from appreciating what i had been and what i have become.

i've always told myself that each day is a single page in a book called "my life." when the day is over, i just turn to the new leaf and continue moving on. when there's not so much to do, it's when i look back at the previous pages of my life: some contain painful truths, others happy thoughts. this act of reminiscing does not scare me so as i know there are still so many pages to fill.

yes, i've 'been there, done that.' more importantly, i have done pretty well as it is. i neither spread myself too thin, nor i stretch myself too far. i just enjoy my gifts and make the most of my days. as they say, it's not really about the destination, but more about the journey.

connie and gigi

we were three kids who came from different backgrounds but stuck to each other through the years...through pains and laughters...through ups and downs...through storms and calms.

gigi and i were next-door neighbors in a university town when we were six years old. we would often play games after school and during weekends, we would visit each other's house. this went on for a couple of years until her family transfered to catarman, the town proper. she went to a chinese elementary school and i stayed at the local university's laboratory school. indeed, at that time, three kilometers were a long distance as far as we were concerned so we would write each other letters almost twice a week.

this went on till we reached high school when she went back to study at our old school. from then on, we have become inseparable. we represented the school in various local competitions (where we would later compete with connie who went to another school), asked to join the school band as majorettes, went silly with chemistry experiments and had crushes on good-looking teachers.

yet, even then, we were as different as apple and orange. while i would tirelessly wait for the results of all the math and science competitions she joined in, she would cheer for me at the beauty tilts i was stupidly coerced to join. our teenage years saw us as different peas in the same pod: she was seriously into her studies, i revelled in school leadership; she treated boys like worms, i flirted with them; she had longer skirts than i saw my grandmother wearing, i wore super-short shorts. she gravitated towards numbers, i loved words. but we were the best of friends.

college separated us again as she went to de la salle university to take up accountancy, while i entered the university of the philippines to take up communication research. she graduated first, took and passed the board exam before she turned 21 [hence, she waited till her next birthday before she could claim her license], went to work for the pricewaterhouse auditing firm, moved on to the shangri-la conglomerate, was pirated by merill lynch in japan, decided to quit after two years to shift career paths at chevrontexaco. these she did while i opted for a more laidback but fulfilling work in an n.g.o., decided to try a little glamour in a film-making company, until i ended tied up with a controversial government agency.

connie and i are cousins, but our family is so big we hardly knew each other when we were small children. perhaps this is due to the fact that connie was born and raised in manila. i would sometimes see her in family gatherings though. unarguably pretty, obviously tall and svelte, totally charming, young boys swarmed to her like bees to honey. i remember seeing her once when we were barely ten years old. she was wearing her hair in tiny braids that called attention to her face. my, was she a stunner!

gigi and connie became neighbors in the two short years that connie's family decided to temporarily relocate to catarman from manila. that was when we all became close to each other. that togetherness was short-lived though because, once again, connie's family moved back to manila. it is an understatement to say that we kept some postmen busy then.

she graduated high school from the immaculate conception academy of manila, spent her college years at the exclusive st. scholastica's college and went on to be named one of the top ten marketing graduates of the philippines during her time. she worked as an executive for one of the leading mobile phone companies in the philippines where her swift rise to the top eventually bored her. to create more challenges in her life, she decided to quit her job and put up a marketing business that, to this day, continues to thrive.

connie has always been athletic and outdoorsy. she took up mountain-climbing as a hobby. for several years, she scaled heights and conquered tops. then one day she tried scuba diving which she discovered would only be her 'second' love, mountain-climbing being her 'first.' if there is one thing i envy her though, it's her recent diving sojourn at the tubathaha reef.

a true-blue 'colegiala' who, day-in and day-out, speaks english as if it is her native tongue, connie makes an effort not to forget her roots. she tries to learn our native tongue, 'waray,' and is always rewarded with a laugh from both gigi and i.

today, both of them are already married -- gigi to alfred, connie to gideon. due to our respective schedules, we hardly meet anymore. since she started working, gigi would always be posted abroad. when she decided to settle in manila, i left to work for a master's degree in a foreign land.

i know that we will always be good friends. we update each other through emails and phone calls. whenever we all are in manila, we make it a point to have dinner wherever our fancy would take us [though for a while we agreed that cravings in shang mall should give us discount coupons for being regular customers there!] or go on a girls' night out [like a drive down south the posh ayala alabang village where gideon used to live to marvel at the palace-like mansion of the prince of brunei's wife]. i know that no matter what happens, we will always be there for each other.

just like the way it always has been, so i hope it always will be.

the (past)loves of my life

i dare to love because it makes me whole. in spite of the pain that comes with it, i always welcome love with a trusting heart. it was most often a topsy-turvy ride: days filled with laughter and fun; nights with anguish and tears. but always, there's hope.

jojo was my first boyfriend...and truly my first love. at 14, he was also my bestfriend. good-looking, intelligent and friendly, he's the typical boy-next-door type. he loved writing me poems and letters and when he left for u.p. diliman to pursue his college degree, he would write to me in the province everyday. if there is one person who truly loved me, it was him. he nurtured me through my adolescence, understood my quirks and hang-ups, encouraged me to go beyond myself...all these he did while learning how to cope with the loss of his dad. when jojo and i parted ways, i accepted it without so much ado. looking back, my reaction was fueled by the fact that i felt it was only temporary. in the years to come, he would remain my steadfast supporter and a constant shoulder to lean on. now, he is already married but in so many ways we have remained connected with each other. i know i can always run to him whenever i feel bad and vice versa. this is something we have learned to live with. instead of fighting this special bond that we share, we have learned to grow with it.

marlo was my second boyfriend. it is most unfair that i keep him inconsequential all these years. in truth, i feel some guilt that i did not love him as much as he deserved to be loved. or at least, as much as he loved me. marlo's only fault was that he came into my life after jojo did. as most of my friends then said, jojo left much too big shoes to fill. marlo did try but i felt there was always something missing in our relationship. when i said goodbye, it was with a heavy heart because i knew i was letting go of a decent man who truly was capable of taking care of me. then again, i could not love half-way. at least, i was honest about this during the one year we were together. i am truly sorry i hurt him so. this is the first time i said this and even now, it's hard to face this.

ariel. i don't even know if he can be called a boyfriend at all. he is a cousin and our relationship begins and ends there. if my relationship with jojo was as smooth-sailing as a gondola ride, my relationship with ariel was as turbulent as whitewater rafting. ariel nurtured my wild and adventurous side. when i turned 19 and he was, i think, 23, i suddenly found myself attracted to him. ariel was basically sweet and sensual. an artist through and through, he found magic in everything around him. what jojo failed to break, ariel was successful in doing so: my rigid self-discipline. ariel taught me how to fly with the wind, to smell the air, to laugh heartily and to just simply be. with him, i ignored the rules. he taught me that happiness does not come in a box. for the longest time when i was with him, i was at my happiest. between us, the word 'love' was never spoken. all i knew was he made me feel complete. he made me so happy i could easily detect if a pain was inflicted. in spite of all, we knew that everything we shared would have to end. when i was five and 20, we finally went our separate ways. yes, the bitterest tears i shed were for him. yet to this day, i have never regretted loving him.

these men have been instrumental in who i have become today. they have hurt me but, in their respective unique ways, they also loved me. they are the reasons why i am not afraid to fall in love and to bask in its glory. these men taught me that there are always two sides to a coin. that one cannot go without the other. i would often take the leap of faith and i survived. not without scars, yes, but the battles have been fought valiantly. if only for that, all the pains i've been through are well worth it.