trying harder

i swear i have tried hard enough. i conditioned myself, created a semi-permanent environment, slaved myself to perfection...even reversed my priorities. but it just is not happening. WHY THE HECK AM I NOT YET IN LOVE?

i am on the verge of begging...begging the guy i am dating to try his best to make me fall in love with him. you know, i wish he would be sweeter than he already is, more thoughtful than he has ever been, and more brilliant than he's capable of being. then again, that would be unfair for him because the guy is just being himself. we met and became friends the way he is, so i don't think there's something wrong with him.

this brings me to the one suspicion that i have been trying to avoid the past few months: there is something wrong with me. sure, i like him...i am even fond of him. but so am i with his pet fish. i laugh at his jokes, but then i am truly shallow in this department. the way his mind works is like a maze, something that would have normally challenged me. i was, actually. initially. but now, everything has become pretty routinary i am getting bored. he is good-looking (and he knows this perfectly well) but when have i become attracted to good looks? it's just purely coincidental that all -- and i mean ALL -- of my former boyfriends were women/gay magnets, so a pretty face is not much of a plus-factor when it comes to my falling in love.

AND SO, what do i need to fall in love again? better yet, will i ever fall in love again? i want to. i need to. emotions are what feed my soul. i cannot write when everything is just on a plateau. i need to ride a roller-coaster of emotions to be able to write the way i used to. these past few weeks i even tried so hard to bank on the green-eyed monster to pump up my adrenalin but it still did not work. my brain probably recognizes the fact that i am not jealous enough , or well...that i am just making it up to fool myself. whatever. i've also tried picking up a fight, to no avail. heck, i am so frustrated. as in, F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!!!

i know that joju (my first love and bestfriend-when-all-else-has-gone-away) once told me i should not expect the next love to be the same as the previous one. i accept this now, but i want the same intensity...the same mind-boggling, insomnia-inducing, hunger-encouraging kind of passion. i cannot accept something within the realm of the ordinary. having experienced the most wonderful joy and the most painful shit of love, i cannot be content with the halfway and just-about.

fast-forward to now. under normal circumstances, it's easy to fall in love where i am. a friend asked me last night. "are you stopping yourself from falling?" i wish i were. it would be easier to understand my predicament. "sis, when have i ever been careful when it comes to love? for me, it has always been a free fall and i enjoy it because it makes me feel alive," i retorted. then i heard silence on the other line; a sigh followed. "yes, i know. you've always been the kind to challenge fate and squeeze all the emotions within you dry even it means getting hurt in the end."

lately, my facebook friends have been telling me to use my heart instead of my head so i could finally be happy. (i wonder why the heck they think i am unhappy. lol.) i wanted to tell them that since birth i never used my head unless it involved the academe, but i find no reason to defend my choices in life.

so now, i'll just continue to enslave myself to this guy i am dating, hoping that one day soon i'll finally feel a stirring of familiar emotions that will catapult me to where i was when i was in love with joju, ariel and gary...and even when i was just beside SD.

enough said.