Hypothalamic Grip

confusion...

2009-10-09T10:30:00.004+09:00

...is nothing new to me. it is, however, depressing that it has chosen to visit me now that i am emotionally vulnerable.

where do i go from here?
why am i see-sawing from being happy to being sad to being lonely to being happy again?
why do i miss people i should not be missing?
why am i not missing the people i should be missing?
why? why? why?

jolaz, one humid afternoon

2009-09-23T09:15:00.007+09:00

jolaz is a colleague...and soon to be boss. he is single. one afternoon, on the way back to the office after attending a boring 4-hour meeting on jpepa that almost left me wilted, we engaged in one of the most intellectually-stimulating (not!) conversations in history.

me: (bored) you know, nolet and i often meet on weekends at sm. would you like to join us sometimes?

jolaz: (sounding even more bored) what do you do?

me: (looking at the traffic jam on edsa) this and that. mostly, we talk.

jolaz: (trying to sound curious) about what?

me: life in general. sometimes we dwell on why we're still single now.

jolaz: (laughs)

me: (trying to sound serious) look, we know we're not very ugly, we're also not very stupid, we have good careers, we are nice...why don't we have a boyfriend?

jolaz: (trying his darnest not to choke) maybe both of you are intimidating.

me: (smiling) us, intimidating? we're nice. does nolet intimidate you?

jolaz: (nervous laughter) no, no, no...well...maybe you should be more accomodating.

me: (insistent) we are.

jolaz: (sounding like he's about to give up) then be more encouraging. don't block attempts of a guy to befriend you.

me: (pouting) but what if we don't like him...in a romantic sort of way?

jolaz: still, be friendly.

me: we are...but it's just weird when some friends get romantic and we don't picture them in that sense.

jolaz: (sounding like he really, really gave up on us already) well, you'll meet your respective partners in time.

me: (shrugging) okay. maybe, we'll invite you one of these weekends to join us.

jolaz: (silent)

at this point, we already reached the office so jolaz was able to thankfully unhinge himself from me and my crazy questions.

nolet and some constellation

2009-09-23T08:26:00.009+09:00

funny thing happened this morning when i opened my yahoo mail box.

nolet sent me a copy of the IRRI program which sec. yap shall be following when he goes to japan next week. i was expecting her to send the document because i've been pestering her about it the whole weekend.

but the email did not end there.

nolet just had to write "i heard i will still see a heavenly body when i look into your eyes." funny. for months now, we have been talking about crushes and falling in love, as if we were teenagers. every time we get together (on weekends usually), we dissect every angle of our (non-existent) lovelife.

lately, i have been the topic of these uneventful trysts in sm north, and it's all because she knows somebody is making me smile. we call him "heavenly body." it's actually a pseudonym, to make everything cute and interesting. it started when nolet pointed out that i've been staring into empty space for several days now. i quipped "it's because i see a heavenly body out there." we then got into fits of laughter and giggles. since then, we would talk about this "heavenly body," and still wonder why we don't have boyfriends.

in the end, we decide that it's really not that nobody notices us because we know at least a couple of guys who would love to date us. the reason for our being unattached really is we haven't found somebody we like enough to encourage further romantic advances from.

enough said.

he

2009-09-22T18:17:00.003+09:00

he is funny...he makes me laugh.
he is nice...he consults with me.
he is patient...he understands.
he is cute...i like his eyes.
he is intelligent...i love listening to him.
he is disciplined...his body is toned.
he is wonderful...i miss him when we are not together.

he is...who he is.

for ariel...

2009-09-22T10:20:00.007+09:00

when you asked me "how's mama," my heart sank. it was easier to lie so i told you she was okay. but she's not okay, ariel. you know she's very old and she's sickly. and she needs you badly.

i cannot forget how her face lit up when she saw us alighting from the car. she seemed so genuinely happy we found time to visit her. why couldn't you?

i understand you have issues to settle with your older sister, but please swallow your pride and hold your mother's hand once more.

at one point your mom and i were left alone by the brood. she took me aside and whispered, "ariel has not visited lately because joy is here and they are not on speaking terms." i almost cried, but i didn't. i had to reassure her. "don't worry, lola, ariel is visiting soon." it hurt me to know that you're not. i know that as long as your sister is there, you're not going to visit. through the years it has become sort of a habit to lie for you, but this time it broke my heart.

i told you i danced in your kitchen. i couldn't help it. i always related music to your family and when we were there, music filled the air. clyde and tita joy and i laughed so much. there was something missing, however -- you.

i know you miss them too. you told me so. then again, why don't you do something more than miss them? why don't you haul your ass off to las pinas? since we're at it already, why don't you stretch a little further and make peace with tita joy? your mama would love that. i would too.

i told you yesterday i missed the old you. i do. i miss the happy ariel i used to know. the years have made you hard and cynical. i know i am one of the very few people you trust, and i do understand what you're going through right now. but the world will not stop turning just because life is not so kind to you right now.

ariel, please open your heart once more to your family before it becomes too late. that's all i'll ever ask of you right now.

am i in love?

2009-09-21T16:45:00.006+09:00

lately, my friends have been asking me this question. my colleagues in the office teasingly remark about the sparkle in my eyes, the bright smile on my lips and the light gait i have lately adapted whenever i enter the room.

i know i dress up more properly now and i put on a little make-up, but i think what annoys them most goes beyond the physical. these days i am so easy to talk to. i don't complain anymore...not even if i am made to stay in the office long after everybody has gone home. i have become more forgiving of those who have done me wrong. in other words, i have become a better person.

am i in love?

i don't think so, but i am inspired. my career is shaping up. i have my good friends on my side. my family remains healthy. a huge block from the past has been lifted off my shoulder. the future looks promising. most of all, somebody is making me smile...like sunshiny smile!

i have always been career-driven. when i was young, i envisioned myself as a successful journalist. i wanted to be fielded in war zones, where the stories were more exciting. along the way, however, i was sidetracked. nevertheless, i am happy where i am now. i know that whatever path my career will take, i shall give it my best shot.

my family and friends have always been my pillar of strength. for all my inanity, they let me be. at this point, i think all their patience with me is paying off. i am a better person because they gave me more than enough space to play, dream, cry and laugh.

sure, somebody is making me happy right now. this is nothing new. in spite of my being single, there is always somebody who inspires me. the past few weeks have literally been filled with happiness, i am so scared it may not last. but instead of worrying, i have decided to savor every moment. so that when this ends -- if it ever does coz they usually do -- i have another bagful of beautiful memories i can recall over and over again.

am i in love?

i know i am happy that i am allowed to touch the roses, and that somebody is making sure they have no thorns. just yet.

weekend musings...

2009-09-19T10:48:00.003+09:00

How do you deal with roller-coaster emotions? When you feel happy and yet…you shouldn’t. How do you deal with strange sensations when you are reminded of something…or someone, for that matter?

Ahhh, i wonder...
******************************
How will I write when I do not know where to start? I have been staring at the computer screen for the longest time now and I can't seem to translate my thoughts into words properly. There's just so much to write about I can't seem to find the beginning...and the end seems so unclear.

I so hate it when I reach this point.
******************************
Will I rearrange my life if I could? Maybe. There are things in my past that still have the power to hurt me. Then again, these are the ones that harnessed my inner strength through the years.

Perhaps regrets have no space in my life.
******************************
Why am I happy? Well, the question really is: why do I find the need to rationalize my happiness? Why can't I just be? If I can only hold it and hug it, I think I'd be okay.

Then again, maybe I am scared that my happiness -- as it always has been -- will be too fleeting.

さよなら大好きな人

2009-09-19T10:34:00.003+09:00

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Mada daisuki na hito まだ大好きな人

Kuyashii yo totemo くやしいよとても
Kanashii yo totemo 悲しいよとても
Mou kaette konai もうかえってこない
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Nani mo kamo wasurerarenai 何もかも忘れられない
Nani mo kamo suteru kirenai 何もかも捨てきれない
Konna jibun ga mijimete こんな自分がみじめで
Yowakute kawaisou de daikirai 弱くてかわいそうで大きらい

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Nakanai yo ima wa 泣かないよ今は
Nakanai de ima wa 泣かないで今は
Kokoro hanareteiku 心はなれていく
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Saigo da to ii kikasete 最後だと言いきかせて
Saigo made ii kikasete 最後まで言いきかせて
Namida yo tomare 涙よ止まれ
Saigo ni egao o さいごに笑顔を
Oboete okutame 覚えておくため

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Zutto zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

working hard, missing somebody, loving the beach, etc...

2009-09-17T17:34:00.005+09:00

i miss somebody, is this my fault? enough said. people say i keep smiling to myself and staring into empty space. like a lovestruck teener. this is not flattering but i don't care. i am just happy...happy like i notice the sky is blue and the leaves are green....happy like i want to dance and twirl and swirl...happy like i need to run and feel the wind on my face...happy that i long to wish every one i meet a wonderful day! really, now, i haven't been this happy since...i can't remember when anymore.

****************
i am a hard-worker. i love working though sometimes i get agitated when there are so many deadlines to meet. i get bored when there's no work to be done. am i weird? i don't think so. it's just harder for me to pass time when there's nothing to do.

****************
i want to go to the beach. i want to swim. i want to smell the breeze coming from the sea. i want to feel the water lapping at my body. i need a vacation. now.

Stopping by the Woods One Snowy Evening

2009-09-16T16:19:00.006+09:00

by: Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of the easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

***my recent favorite among robert frost's work

refrain by jose mari chan

2009-08-19T15:27:00.012+09:00

I look out and I see the rain
As it falls on my window pane
And the music that's in my heart
Is a sad refrain

Endless traffic of sounds and sights
Midst the glitter of neon lights
Still the music that's in my heart
Is the same sad refrain

Mem'ries of you follow everywhere I go
Down the high and bi-ways of my days
Music of your laughter fills my every dream
Like a love song from long ago

Never ending streams of faces come and go
Million diff'rent people all around
No use searching for I'll never find you there
For you are far beyond compare

Take a jet to a hide-away
From the hum-drum of everyday
Still the music that's in my heart
Is a sad refrain

you belong to me (from ally mcbeal)

2009-08-19T14:26:00.008+09:00

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
Just remember darling all the while
You belong to me

See the marketplace in old Angier
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

***note: i like this song for no particular reason, but i love it more when it's used in the early episodes of ally mcbeal. i find ally mcbeal's "neurosis" funny, but i love that she has no pretensions about who and what she is.

jealousy

2009-08-19T14:12:00.011+09:00

it was one of those days when smoke wanted to creep out of your nose and ears and practically all the holes in your body. the pain was deeply rooted you wanted to start world war III. it was also the first time a rule was broken -- i just had to confront him.

so i hailed a taxi and stormed his apartment. to my dismay, his sister was there so i backed down and my claws retreated. "hi tita," i said rather too cheerfully.

"hey, what brought you here?" she was surprised to see me.

"oh, nothing. i was just bored at home. is ariel here?" i said, gritting my teeth. just the mere mention of his name sent my nerves into haywire.

"yup. i think he's upstair," she said. just then, ariel came rushing down. one look at me and he knew i meant business. he went back up and when he came down again, his had his towel with him already.

"nobody's using the bathroom? i'll take a shower," he boomed, then almost simultaneously he turned to me. "hi tippi!"

i smiled saccharinely.

when he got out of the bathroom, i announced. "tita, i am going home now."

ariel intercepted. "hey, you passing by the heart center?"

"yup."

"may i go with you? i need to see a friend there. i'll just change."

"sure."

and so i waited. while waiting i pretended to enjoy talking to his sister when i actually felt so restless it took effort to stay put.

"are you ready to go?" ariel asked after a few minutes.

"sure," i smiled at him again. i was preparing for war, only we were not on the proper battle ground so i restrained my attacks.

we got out of the house and hailed a taxi. the driver would have had us arrested for heavily banging the doors on both sides of the cab but before he could say anything, i already launched into my ill-prepared monologue.

"and what the hell were you thinking when you let that woman stay in your house for a week? a week! and you didn't even tell me? how dare you! how dare you! your sister told me that that woman even acted as if she lived there. do you know how it made me feel? are you really so insensitive you didn't even think about the repercussions of that decision? and if it weren't for your sister, i wouldn't even know. how dare you!" i was screaming at him. i wanted to cry but i couldn't. i was filled with fury.

he was quiet for a moment, then he sighed. "she didn't have a place to stay. she was locked out of her rented room by her landlord."

"you think i'd believe that?" i spat out.

"you know, pi, i am not forcing you to believe me. it's the truth," he explained calmly.

i glared at him but did not say anything more. i felt so tired. suddenly, i heard him ask the taxi driver to detour around the philippine heart center. i wondered what he was going to do but i was not ready to be pacified at that time so i kept quiet. when we were somewhere near sulo hotel, he asked the driver to stop. he paid our fare and grabbed my hand. we walked a few meters until we reached the back side of a crumbling building. then he looked at me.

"what?" i asked.

"this was her room. see? it's locked. so she begged me if she could stay with us for a while. i agreed because i knew she had nowhere to go. when i heard my sister telling you about her, i knew this would be your reaction so i sent her packing. are you satisfied now?" he bristled.

"no. it still doesn't erase the fact that you let her stay in your place and we both know she is attracted to you," i retorted. "i want to go home now. i am tired."

he brought me home and decided to stay. "she asked if we could have breakfast together tomorrow," he whispered right before i fell asleep.

"no," i muttered sleepily. "never."

looking back, that was the only time i went downright crazy. even if women flocked to ariel like bees to honey, i was not the jealous type. when we were together, he rarely gave me any reason to be.

why?

2009-08-18T11:52:00.002+09:00

why is it difficult for me to write when there's so much to write about?

why am i ambivalent about going to tokyo?

why do i find myself listening to love songs once again?

why do i have this tendency to rescue the men i used to love from their present problems?

why do i feel sad, sad, sad?

i wish i have the answers.

how?

2009-08-04T15:57:00.001+09:00

How can you say goodbye without inflicting pain? More importantly, how can you do it without hurting yourself?

How can you deal with regrets, especially if they are not yours? Do you smile? Do you shake the other person’s hand? Or do you just look into his eyes and share his pain silently?

A few days ago I finally put closure to a past that was left hanging over my head and inside my heart for the last decade and a half. I thought it was going to be easy – I have long been over him, I’ve had two boyfriends already since we went our separate ways, I have a career I cannot complain about. In other words, I’ve lived a good life. In fact, I was already confident I could face the music; dance to whatever beat. But like the proverbial sandcastles built on air, all the confidence I’ve painstakingly built over the years came crashing down on me the moment he uttered the words I’ve always longed to hear but didn't. And now it's too late.

The wound was so deep and when we unraveled it, I realized it did not properly heal. I was not that strong, after all.

What can I do? I just had to bravely bear it all with, again, a serene smile planted on my face.

you

2009-07-31T10:40:00.000+09:00

i am neither a poet nor a painter
but my heart speaks of flowers that may not bloom
how can a story end when it has not even begun
how long should you tarry; do you wish me gone?

fog

2009-07-30T17:09:00.009+09:00

it's been a while since i was this bored. i am near panic. this is a familiar feeling that normally sends me to an andrenalin-rushing adventure. this actually means misadventure. let's see, what have i been dealing with lately?

1. robert frost, elizabeth browning, pablo neruda, nina estrada-puyat, walt whitman...but mostly robert frost. i've read most of his poems and i have discovered some new favorites: meeting and passing, fire and ice, the lockless door and stopping by woods one snowy evening. when i was so much younger, i loved poetry. i grew up surrounded by it, thanks to my mother. but somewhere along the way, i shut my door to it. i feel that i have to dig very, very deep in order to bring out the emotional wounds that need healing. finally.

2. japan. do i need -- rather, want -- more of japan in my life? tokyo, especially, feels like my second home that whenever i want a change in atmosphere, tokyo is not the place to go. perhaps i am overly thinking about something that may not necessarily happen. whatever.

3. attraction. now, i have this perennial question: why do i attract "unavailable" men? arghhh!!! and, why oh why, do i need to exert effort not to get attracted to them in return? they should not be extra sweet, uber thoughtful, and they should not be able to run to me on a snap of a finger!!!!

fog...fog...fog in my brain. i need more exciting diversions!!!

The Rain and I

2009-06-26T09:44:00.001+09:00

I am in the office. It’s raining hard outside and all I want to do is to snuggle under a comforter while the aircon is turned full blast. It is one of my peculiarities, really, that when I hear the pitter-pat of rain on the roof, I find this urge to turn on the aircon.

When I was living in Tokyo, and I never had to worry about electric bill, I did this a lot to the amusement of my roommate, Barno. During rainy days, we would find ourselves under our futon late into the morning. We would pretend to be sleeping even if we both knew we’re already wide awake. We had separate rooms but because our walls were made of paper, we could hear each other’s movements. Normally, I’d wake up earlier than she would because I loved doing our breakfast, but during rainy days we’d stretch our lazy time till our stomach grumbled. Barno and I would then spend the day cooking and eating. Since we lived quite far from our usual shopping areas, we’d just browse around Seiyu, our local supermarket. Then we’d bring home lots of food: different kinds of cheeses, fish, pork, chicken, fruits (which we never really ran out of), vegetables, eggs, potato chips, tofu and a lot more others. We’d hibernate in the house for days doing nothing but cook, eat, listen to music (she discovered Martin Nievera and I liked Sevara Nazarkhan) and watch TV. Barno was an excellent cook and she introduced me to a lot of Uzbek food. I, in turn, learned how to whip up several Filipino dishes, which she would gobble up – with certain twists -- in seconds. I initially thought that I stayed indoors during these times because I hated rainy days.

I distinctly remember walking under the rain in Tokyo with my Indonesian friend, Auqie, who told me he found rainy days romantic. I cannot forget that incident because I thought for a man to like rainy days, it must be something. Because I lacked the courage to ask him why, I turned to other friends who gave several reasons why they liked rainy days: weather is cool, the sound of dripping water is soothing to the nerves, there’s an excuse to hug, and – this made me laugh – it’s cute to see a couple cuddling under one umbrella.

I told Auqie that I didn’t particularly like rain, not in Metro Manila anyway where I have to dodge unscrupulous drivers who find fun in splashing pedestrians with filthy water and I am forced to tiptoe around dirty puddles to get to my destination. Today, I still don’t like rainy days, but only when I am in Metro Manila. Otherwise, I know I am fine with it.

Take this case. Last week I was holed up at the Fontana Resort in Clark Air Base. It was raining so hard I should have been disappointed that I was not able to visit the duty free shops right away, but I was not. Instead, I set the aircon to its lowest temperature, got a really good book and read while burrowing myself under a thick blanket. It was heavenly. I could do that for one whole week – with milk and cookies, to boot -- without getting bored. It reinforced my belief that I have already started a love affair with the rain.

Now I would like to tell Auqie how right he was when he insisted that rain is romantic. The serenity it brings does something to my senses and I am even writing about it now. (June 24, 2009)

the banana slips

2009-02-16T16:30:00.003+09:00

You reach the landing panting from climbing 3-storeys worth of stairs. You insert the key in the keyhole of the main door then realize that the lock has changed. You are not informed about this sudden change in the office rules.

You sit down and wait for the others who are as amaze as you are that this is happening. You all wait and curse. The clock says it’s already 8am. You have been there for nearly two hours already, listening as the seconds turn into minutes…and minutes into hours. You and the others wickedly device ways and means to get back at the one whose bright ideas this is.

Then lo and behold! She arrives. You fall silent. The others, too. She smiles as if nothing is wrong. She mumbles something indistinguishable. You want to scream. You stare instead.

She opens the door and sashays her way into the room, feeling like a queen. You think she looks like a pig ready to be butchered. You smile. Nothing beats knowing you can restrain yourself from doing something nasty. Maybe some other time… You think everybody has his time.

After all, the day is just about to start…

when things get too hot to handle...

2009-02-16T15:50:00.000+09:00

Thinking positive thoughts may take too much effort when one is surrounded by so much negative things. I know I am not the goody-goody person others pretend to be but I really do try to think as many positive thoughts as I can.

Then again in this dog-eats-dog world, survival of the fittest is the name of the game. When I was younger, I didn’t mind roughing it out with anybody who gets in my way. But as the years go by, I realized I’d rather channel my energy to things that would make me laugh. In other words, I learned to coast along the way.

At times when I want to end somebody’s life (I am not suicidal, bear this in mind), I train myself to look at the ceiling and breathe deeply. I then count from one to ten before I try to smile (even if there’s nothing to smile about). The art of self-control is something I have learned late in life but it does not mean that I do not practice it often. In fact, I practice it every single day, considering.

The reason why this piece of writing is actually coming out is because I am soooo pissed off. To my mind, you have no right to demand too high from somebody if you do not give any kind of support. That said, I want to go home already and read a book. I’ll be more productive and less murderous then.

the wanderer

2009-02-10T16:09:00.005+09:00

if there is one thing ariel taught me, it is to embrace the unknown unconditionally. the weirdest thing is, i have never felt happier in life than when i am exploring the roads less traveled. sure, ariel taught me the joys of adventure, but i can only credit myself for perfecting its art.

while ariel has kind of settled down after getting married, i continue to bask in the thrill of discovering unchartered territories. sometimes it makes me wonder where this will get me. but heck, this is what makes the journey exciting.

i am writing this because right now i am on the verge of wanting another leap of faith. if i can only draw how i feel, it would be so much liberating. but i cannot even describe exactly my desperate longing to do something out of the ordinary. i only know that i want to do it so badly i can taste it.

perhaps batanes can quench this thirst, after all.

a walk down memory lane

2008-05-07T09:44:00.001+09:00

It was not a welcome sign. Nearly a decade since we last saw each other, the “pull” was still evident. Who would have thought that this would be the case? Apparently, the years did not blunt the attraction that drew us together in the first place. Suddenly, Barry Manilow’s “Even Now” started reverberating in my ears, and I was once again lost.

Ours is a story of a big adventure.

Suffice it to say that while my relationship with the first boyfriend was as smooth-sailing as a gondola ride, my journey with this one was as turbulent as whitewater rafting. After all, he nurtured my daring side. What the first boyfriend failed to break, he was successful in doing so: my rigid self-discipline. For nearly four years, he encouraged me to fly with the wind, to smell the air, to laugh heartily, and to just simply be. With him, I learned to ignore social rules. He taught me that happiness does not come in a box. We were young and we craved for adventure. We would visit places we’ve never been to before. Because of him, I developed a love for the unknown. We were reckless. We were having fun. We were happy. Looking back, he showed me happiness so deep and real that even a dot of pain would instantly be glaring.

More than anything else, I so admired his brain. He was intelligent in a way that the four walls of the classroom cannot mold. There were times when we had no money so we would content ourselves just reading newspapers from cover to cover. He was fond of reciting poems and it was from him that I first got a glimpse of Beowulf. He would tell jokes and we would laugh like hyenas. Oh how we laughed!

But even then, I knew the adventure was somehow going to end. Early on, I thought I had already mastered the art of letting go, but I was wrong. Understand that he and I parted the soap-operaish way. He just sort of disappeared. Although technically he could not disappear because we run around the same circle of people, we both understood that it was time to let go. We were forced to drift apart. And though there were no tearful goodbyes, the hole he left in my heart was so huge it took years before I finally healed.

Indeed, his influence in the way I lived and breathed was so overwhelming that when I was studying in Japan, my daily prayer included asking God not to let us bump into each other there. I knew he visited Japan every now and then, but I often failed to remember that Japan is a big country. One of the scariest thought I harbored then was accidentally meeting him in one of Tokyo’s busiest train stations.

Of course, my reaction to him or anything connected with him is always, to say the least, hysterically exaggerated. This is because my experiences taught me that between the two of us, there was no half-way or in-betweens. We would often go for the kill. We learned to temper this as we journeyed along, for fear of negative repercussions. In fact, we mastered the skill of civilized but impersonal conversations in public.

You see, several times since we parted ways we would still bump into each other, usually in big gatherings. It was during these times when conducting small talk became a tedious chore. Yet, we HAD to talk, otherwise people would. We were known to be extraordinarily close to each other that public displays of affection like holding hands and hugging were not considered unusual by those who knew us. Acting differently then would have started tongues wagging. We did not want that to happen.

Then, lo and behold, in one of those big parties the family held early this year, we met again. I knew instantly the moment he stepped within my boundary. I felt it. When my friend whispered about a man who was staring at me, I just knew it was him. As much as I refused to turn around to face him, I had no other choice but to force myself to come face to face with him.

“Hey,” I hoped a smile was plastered on my face for everyone to see.

“Hi,” he smiled back. Then the farce began. He took his lunch as far away from my table as possible. The rule was and will always be: the less interaction, the better for us to act normally.

Soon enough, people started leaving the party and we were left with relatives and few close friends. I was talking to his sister when I felt that it was time for the inevitable to happen. At that point, he was already prepared, and so was I.

“Hey, come over here and join us,” I called out to him. He excused himself from his group and joined his sister and I. To break what seemed to me as stiff atmosphere, I blurted, “How are you na? I missed you.”

“Oo nga. When was the last time ba that we saw each other? How long ago was it na? How are you? When are you going back to Manila?” the volley of questions between us left his sister out of the equation. Perhaps she was keenly observing us. Around the ever-discerning family, we would tread even more carefully.

Late into the night, when his sister beckoned that they already had to go home, I desperately hoped he would ask to be left behind. He did. He tried to convince his sister that he could just hitch a ride on the way home. But his sister put her foot down so he relented.

Right before he had to cross the gate, we were given the chance to be alone together. “Number,” he said. Dense and tense as I was, I shot him a questioning look. “Number…cell phone number,” he muttered for the second time.

“Oh,” I said and quickly took my mobile out. He then recited his cell phone number and instructed me to call him right away so he could record mine. Such impulses are welcome if only for the fact that this would somehow be forgotten the moment we get out of each other’s periphery and on to the real world.

Suddenly, we found ourselves hugging each other. In a few precious seconds, we were just being ourselves minus the prying eyes of the public. I whispered, “thanks.” Then we let each other go.

That night, I could not sleep. As I tossed and turned, I realized that maybe I did love him at some point. Between the two of us, the word “love” was never spoken. But maybe we really did have something special, aside from the intense attraction we felt for each other. Then again, it’s not easy to admit. Doing so would only heighten the pain of the loss.

In this world where social norms still reign, insisting to be together would only raise a lot of issues. And although we were allowed by law to end up with each other, we never wanted to purposely hurt the people most precious to us – our family.

ano ba ini?

2007-08-28T19:06:00.000+09:00

hay naku, di ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin. mahal ko naman ang trabaho ko ngayon. pero...at ito ay malaking PERO...bakit ganito? lagi na lang napupunta sa akin ang mga bagay na di ko naman pinangarap.

actually, nagsimula ito nung ako ay kumuha ng kurso sa kolehiyo. nag-enrol ako sa mass comm kasi ayaw na ayaw ko ng math. i thought na kapag nag-mass comm ako, wala akong magiging math subject except math 1. hellooo...nung nasa 2nd year na ako, nalaman ko na required kong ipasa ang isang statistics subject! mass comm? may stat? haller!!!

"iha, communication research ang major mo. kailangan mo ng statistics para mag-research," sabi ng isa kong adviser. isip ko: puwede pa bang mag-shift??? papatayin na siguro ako ng tatay ko. in short, nagpatuloy ako...naka-gradweyt din.

ilang taon ang lumipas at ako'y nag-desisyong mag-aral ng master's. hanep! ang napasahan kong kurso ay international economics. ngyee...eh wala akong econ background. pero sige pa rin. bahala na si lord. syempre, cramming galore ako sa tokyo. sino si hecksher? ang kilala ko ay si stephen spielberg. anong WTO? ang alam ko VIVA. as usual, nakapasa ulit.

so bumalik na akong pinas. nagkataon na nag-enjoy ako sa international economics ko na mga subjects so naisip kong sana mabigyan ako ng trabahong related dito. syemps, mabait nga sa akin si lord kaya napunta ako sa trabaho ko ngayon. ang gusto ko lang naman, sa totoo lang, ay makapanood kung paano ginagawa ang negotiations sa geneva at maintindihan ang pagkakaiba ng pananaw ng mga developed sa developing countries.

pero, ano ka, heto at binigyan ako ng assignment sa opisina. i-compute ko daw lahat ng tariff lines ng mga export natin sa japan using the applied rate, gsp rate at jpepa rate. hanep, tsong, di ko nga maintindihan nung una kung ano ang applied tariff. mabuti na lang, matiyaga akong makinig sa mga lectures ng boss ko kahit medyo hirap akong makaintindi. narinig ko ang definitions ng applied at bound tariffs. o, di ba? sa totoo lang, marami akong natututunan dito. kaso hirap lang talaga ang utak ko. sabi nga nila, "the body is willing, but the mind is weak." hehehe...

ngayon, nag-break lang ako from computing those rates. ang tanong: makaka-survive kaya ako dito? sa presentation pa lang ni raul m. on the simulation ng sps, sumakit na ang ulo ko. paano pa kaya yung ibang topics? si bossing naman, supportive kaya nagpapasalamat ako. alam niyang marami pa akong kakaining bigas (not nfa rice) bago makahabol sa mga pinag-uusapan ng mga tao sa division ko. sheeet.....

bakit ganito ang buhay ko??? parang life!

the tragedy of war: vietnam in retrospect

2007-08-21T14:27:00.000+09:00

Imagine there's no heaven...It's easy if you try...No hell below us...Above us only sky...Imagine all the people...Living for today...

before i flew to saigon (now called ho chi mihn), i had a hazy idea of vietnam's painful past -- its foray into communism and how vietnamese resisted american occupation. credit many hollywood movies like oliver stone's platoon and heaven & earth for my limited knowledge of vietnamese history.

Imagine there're no countries...It isn't hard to do...Nothing to kill or die for...And no religion too...Imagine all the people...Living life in peace...

my visit to the vietnam war museum, in front of the hotel where we stayed for the duration of our visit, was therefore very shocking to me. pictures of children killed on sidewalks and mothers grieving for their massacred family affected me deeply. it did not help either that there were also pictures of the after effects of Agent Orange -- the nickname given to a herbicide used by the U.S. military its warfare program during the Vietnam War.

You may say I'm a dreamer...But I'm not the only one...I hope someday you'll join us...And the world will be as one...

in these pages, i have copied some of the pictures i saw in the museum, hoping that we shall all know the extent of destruction ANY war could bring.

Imagine no possessions...I wonder if you can...No need for greed or hunger...A brotherhood of man...Imagine all the people...Sharing all the world...

if only man can be less greedy, then we could lessen the sufferings in this world, there will be less orphans and grieving families.

You may say I'm a dreamer...But I'm not the only one...I hope someday you'll join us...And the world will live as one...

travails of an accidental "trader"

2007-07-19T11:04:00.000+09:00

With agriculture attaches, policy people
and our boss, USec. Fred Serrano
(extreme right)...

Had somebody told me that one day I would find myself promoting export products, I would have plunged into the sales arena early on. See, my grandmother often reminded me that “the early bird catches the worm.” I would have taken a business course in college, worked with a world-class pharmaceutical company, bought a house at 24 and a car by 26 so I could resign from my job and travel around the world in leisure at 40 – in that chronological order.

But hey, sales talk is not my forte. I even cringe every time I enter a store and sales people start hovering around to convince me to buy their products. So, no, I knew early on that I would never make a good sales person.

Taken all those into consideration, I cannot help but ask: Why the *&%# did I agree to be a trade desk officer (TDO) at the Department of Agriculture?

For fear of sounding too defensive, let me reiterate that I did not lobby for this post. I did not even know the responsibilities that went with it when it was first offered to me. The only thing that registered in my mind was: I will finally be working under the wing of Undersecretary Fred Serrano, the country’s chief negotiator for Agriculture at the WTO. Heck, long before i finished my master's thesis in tokyo, I was already dreaming of working with him. In fact, for nearly a year I devised ways and means to break through the thick bureaucratic wall to be able to talk to him. When all connections failed, I personally introduced myself to him. Talk about courage amid desperation. Unfortunately, even then, nothing happened.

Then the offer to be the TDO for Japan came. When I was told that my boss was going to be USec. Serrano, I knew I had to accept the post no matter what it entailed. I just hoped that being physically near the person would transmit some of his brain cells to my cranium.

The first few months in my new office were exciting. I met young people who eventually became friends, I got to interact with my boss as often as needed, I learned new things, I accepted more challenges – all these more than made up for the glitches I encountered here and there.

Being the OC that I have always suspected myself to be, I already had my intellectual map drawn out. I felt that being a trade desk officer was just a stepping stone to what I really wanted to achieve: to understand the power play between developed and developing countries, and to figure out the politics of WTO. Whoa! Lofty dreams, I know. My best friends could not even understand my sudden obsession with WTO (this is something that I should write about in another article).

My dream was crushed when one day I woke up to an instruction that instead of WTO, I would be dealing with export sales. Sales @%&*??????? Pardon the profanity, but why the heck would I exchange my first love (which is writing) for something that I have never even dreamed of doing in the first place?

It is bad enough that I was required to do sales, but it is even worse that there is a plan to uproot all desk officers from the Policy office. The only reason why I agreed to do this job is because I wanted to work with USec. Serrano. If this fair exchange won’t happen, then I have to make another drastic decision; something that will bring me back to square one.